It’s a little like going home now…
Tomorrow begins trip #5 to Haiti and I am excited to spend time at St. Joe’s Orphanage, at the children’s hospital, the home for the dying and just hang with Gertrude and Leonard. I am excited to share Haiti with new friends and old friends I haven’t seen in ages. I am excited to spend this holiday in a country that is filled with people who I am so thankful for.
My Godson and his family have been creating thankful leaves throughout november and they’ve been filled with adorable childlike things like light sabers, mom, hulk costumes, and other sweet day to day gifts. My thankful list usually includes sweatpants, diet mountain dew, movie room at the gym, my cell phone and awesome cell phone plan that lets me stay connected to most everyone (except those living in Pakistan…must work on international phone call abilities!!) , for my comfortable bed, the opportunity to live in a house where i can cozy up with a book or movie and trust the electricity will work. And then there is the invisible stuff: I am thankful for friends who tear up when they try to tell you why you mean so much to them, a job that challenges and blesses me richly, for the blessing of getting to pray for my friends, for a family who listens, encourages, and visits, for experiences that remind me that stuff and things aren’t the most important but loving and serving people is what really matters. Thank you Noah and Caleb for a reminder to be thankful for the little and big things in life. Thank you God for blessing me with Haiti…with the feeling of being useful, for the reality check and reconnect with you that happens when I am there, for the friendships that form through loving people, and the kick in the pants to trust God and live a bigger, more courageous life.
Things that I have a hard time passing by currently:
Owls, Penguins, Stars, polka dotted things, rings, stamps in my National Park Passport book, angels, anything made with pumpkin, and candle stick holders.
I’m a horder with committment issues: when i like something i go a little overboard and most of the time my collection of choice is fairly fleeting. All through late elementary school I collected disney figurines. The kind you could buy at the Disney Store. I loved them. I was a rock collector for a while too. I was a sucker for a hard rock cafe shirt or a Babysitter’s club book through certain periods of my life and if you bought me something green in college I would have adored it (and you). Now it would have to be turquoise… or pink… or orange… or brown… (my color of choice changes daily)
I’ve collected books, isabel blooms, candles, socks, earrings, christmas ornaments, stuffed animals, shoes, pennies, cds, sheets, mickey mouse watches…all for periods of my life. During those periods it seemed like a big deal. I really liked them, they were fun to hunt down and save up for. Then another bright shiny thing would come along and I’d start collecting those. And the worst part is that the marketing people LOVE people like me…the people who can’t say no to our collecting nature.
now if only i could put these hording tendencies to work at the gym, with vegetables, or hours of sleep! 
More happy thoughts…
I’m thankful for BSF & the wonderful women I’ve met there, for friends who get to go on rockstar dates and I live vicariously through them, for the DCB , for musicals with Caitlyn, for amazing kids doing amazing things (yay seussical the musical kids!), for gyms that are open all night long, for coworkers who make me laugh and let me talk craziness, for forgiveness and kindness that I don’t deserve, and for fun shoes.
A day that was crabby free…maybe prayer and french toast are meant to be a part of my daily ritual!
As some would say I’ve been a little salty these days…
I’m not sure how it got to being as bad as it has been…but I have been a little out of sorts these past few weeks. And while life has not sucked, it hasn’t been amazing either and mostly because my attitude is out of control.
It’s like my relationship with the gym. I have periods of being very diligent and committed to the treadmill, elliptical machine, and the weight room…then a weekend of craziness or a cold throws off the pattern and I get into a new rhythm of not spending time with my good friends at Gold’s.
I think I’ve fallen into a pattern of crabby. And while I recognize it…it is like going back to the gym. It’s hard to motivate myself to do the work…I just want to keep making excuses and feel justified.
Yesterday, I told someone “I need to pray for an attitude change.” it was sadly the first time I had even thought to do that…(this attitude change has needed to happen for a while). I was doing well until about 8 tonight. But did I pray for strength to keep exercising my happy muscles? nope. I slipped right back into the rhythm of crabby.
I apologize world for the grey I have been bringing and the unpleasant sight of me in my crabby pants. Here is a new step forward…
Things I am tremendously grateful for:
Grace, laughter, friends who will let me talk through my stuff, soup suppers, good hair days, having the dishes done, fun shoes, my comfy sweatpants and soft bed, the promise of a good breakfast tomorrow, fun plays to go see, and knowing that tomorrow is a new day.
Today has been filled with opportunities to remember that I am not nearly as fabulous as I sometimes begin to think I am…
I overslept a bit leading to a necessary hat day…
I arrived at church, remembering to print the small group sheets moments before heading to class to find the printer jammed and I was completely baffled and couldn’t find the darn piece of jammed paper…really does a machine need that many levers inside?
I then made it downstairs to find a beautifully prepared room (right now Woodbury is hosting a few families from a local shelter as overflow space…and typically on Sunday mornings the room is less than prepared for us to have Jr. High Bible class…)…I had been preparing myself for chaos and then was shown that I need not always be so pessimistic.
I set up the projector for the DVD and had it working…but then come time for the DVD –nothing. It refused to play.
Unfortunately I hadn’t prepared for a DVD malfunction or really prepared my lesson all that well and so the snafu led to Lindsey rambling…which sometimes can produce interesting results, BUT…
There was a lockout on Friday night and I am convinced that the Lockout ate my brain…as a not new Youth minister I should have prepared for this reality…instead of just assuming I’d be able to push my way through it.
I botched the lesson like nobody’s business…it tanked. Really good stuff to be shared, Joel had created a fabulous lesson (YES, i didn’t even need to be creative…just deliver the material) and I screwed it up.
I sat down with my small group afterwards and they looked at me and said “we have no idea what you were talking about”…I had been talking for 25 minutes…and nothing…
God is good and faithful and I pray that in His mercy He still chose to work inspite of my lack of preparation, my befuddled, sleep deprived brain, and my prideful refusal to admit my shortcomings. If nothing else, I feel like God has worked on me today through my botched morning…I am convicted, aware of my need to refocus, and drawn back down to my knees…which is where I should have been in the first place.
“If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared. I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope.” Psalm 130:3-5
Tonight at church we had Cardboard Testimonies. I’ve been thinking about what I would write on my piece of cardboard for quite some time and yesterday I wrote down a phrase but it still didn’t quite seem to fit. This afternoon I used a different piece of cardboard and wrote: Selfish & on autopilot….more awake and inspired to love God’s kids.
I’ve been wrestling with this whole concept of being on autopilot…sleeping through life…choosing the easy path.
My housemate shared with me yesterday why she thinks TV is such an easy choice for her…it’s because it does the choosing. The time of the shows is set, the next show is already there, it is always ready to entertain you and you don’t have to work to make it happen. I think there are many things in my life that are like this and they all suck me in.
I go through phases of being in autopilot unfortunately rarely do I know that I am in autopilot until I’ve been released from it:
I know I am not in autopilot…
when I am inspired by something….
when I am creating something…
when I am engaged in something bigger than me…
when I have goals I’m working towards…
when I am not consumed by things that mean nothing and fade away(going a little Ecclesiastical or Thoreau-ian on ya)
God has done it before in me…Jesus’ extravagant grace has released me from autopilot…and I am asking Him to do it again.
I feel like I am on the brink of something…
but that I don’t leave room for the discovery.
I grow consumed by approval and what people think…
even when I have tried very hard to think through something for myself and intentionally not for what others will think. I feel good…then someone adds their wisdom and I feel like an idiot again.
I want to release the burden of explaining myself or feeling like I have to…
I want Jesus’ voice to be the only voice of assurance that I long for and to be satisfied when I hear it…
I want to stop feeling the need to always be improving…
yet…
Stop talking so others can be heard
Stop running and breathe
Stop wasting time in avoidance and show up
Be intentional
Be undivided
these voices keep coming reminding me how flawed and broken I am…all intended to encourage and build up…yet my heart is heavy as they cut through what I thought had been revealed to my heart.
They cause me to doubt what Jesus and I have been talking about…I begin to second guess if I really hear God or just what I want to hear…
I am looking forward to this season…I am thankful for the freedom to admit my failures and flaws and pursue God’s heart…I pray that our methods of surrender and pursuit will be healing to our souls and that we will see ourselves grow more into the likeness of Jesus.
I have been feeling strange since I returned from Haiti this time. I feel like my mind is consumed and that I am floating.
The sensation resembles that of crush mode (the phenomenon that happens to me when I can’t really stop thinking about a person and then proceed to have a relationship with said person inside my head…thus setting myself up for a crash when said person doesn’t show signs of having a similar mental relationship with me…although sometimes I can pull back from my crazy and just start to dwell on all the things that drive me crazy about said person….real or imagined) (does this make me nuts?)…well back to what I was saying….
The sensation resembles crush mode except there isn’t a boy…my brain is consumed with lots of things….Don’s comments in Blue like Jazz about accepting grace and what love looks like, Jason’s comments from this weekend’s retreat about being willing to take risks, the book of Romans and Colossians and how Paul’s voice all of a sudden sounds so tender to me compared to how I’ve read it in the past, about what my life is headed towards in the current path I am on, about how much I love loud music, and my recent discovery of how cool action movies are.
I can’t really explain the floating thing except to say I keep having these moments of thinking about myself outside my self. What do my actions say about me, what do my life patterns reflect to the world about who I am and what I stand for….I feel like Hiro in Heroes when he can slow time down and look around and see the people around him move slowly as he moves at normal speed. Although I feel like I am moving at a slower pace while the world around me flashes by. I’m in slow mo.
Not sure what it all means right now…but I am eager to see what God is doing in this moment of restlessness.
clean clothes
cleaned closets
cleaned dresser drawers
clean sheets
my room isn’t all the way straightened, but I’ve purged 3 bags worth of clothing from my closets and drawers, packed for Haiti, started packing for snow riot, organized my closets, and my room is beginning to feel sane again.
Today has been good for my soul…cleaning (who would have thunk?), packing, an hour on the treadmill, some solo shopping at Target, chips and salsa with my friends Ted, Barney, Robin, Lilly, and Marshall…then a little Heroes to disrupt my sleep tonight. oye
Haiti count down: 4 days till departure.
Anyone want to go in with me on buying toothbrushes and toothpaste for the kids?
i’ve started listing this week…this is a typical behavior for me around january each year and especially when I have a short time to accomplish lots of things.
I leave for Haiti in one week and there are lots of things to sort out before then…Foundations, Powerhouse, packing, Haiti Mission Project mailings, etc. So the lists began Sunday and since then I have had a strange sense of panic residing inside my chest. Usually the list gives me a sense of pride and accomplishment as I check things off…this week however the checking off of completed items only brings a brief flash of joy and then back to feeling weighed down and anxious.
I’m trying to name what exactly seems so daunting that is lurking inside my list…but I can’t find it yet.
so while I’ve been fighting this anxiety I have successfully managed 7 days of eating at least one vegetable each day…and I wrote a note to a friend this week…so the new year’s goals are going well! (so far)
I revisited my goals for year 27 and I am doing very well…I’ve visited more than 3 National parks and seen some pretty great shows/concerts each month so far…I’ve even played speed scrabble a couple of times. So cheers to the 27th year of Lindsey list! A list that has brought great joy instead of trepidation.
