defined… September 22, 2010

It was a great weekend.
Sunshiney, full, outdoorsy, Jesus exposing, relational, inspiring, creative, and delightful.

I didn’t realize how wonderful the weekend was until I was driving to class on monday and tears of joy were slipping down my cheeks  in my car as I was thanking Jesus for what he’d been doing in my heart.
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I re-read “Running on Empty” by Fil Anderson on Sunday night and was inspired by the transparency he shared with me as his reader. It was healing to read of one believer’s walk with the Lord and his willingness to confess his need to find quiet, encouragement, forgiveness, and balance.
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I’ve been feeling pretty good about life these past few months…I’ve been trying to be healthy, intentional about spending time in the Word, persistent in setting up fun plans with fun people, and have had many fun nights of being creative. It has been so good. Then the beginning of September hit and I was anxious, tight, still doing all of the above but filled with doubts about whether I was ready enough for the things coming the next day/week/month, overwhelmed by my need to be fully prepared and un-criticizable. This was where God used Fil to convict my heart.

He asked me “who defines you?…where do you find your worth?”

I like to think I am beyond definition…that I can’t be pinned down by words or labels. I ideally want to stay outside the box…hipster, independent, creative, quirky…but these are definitions. {and we know that in all honesty I am as predictable as they come, a serious creature of habit and tradition} And for the most part these adjectives are rooted in my comparison with others, they reveal my inner desire to be found worthy in how i dress, by what i do, by what i create, and by what i can accomplish…instead of by my creator/savior/protector/definer…Jesus.

I was “doing” great these past few months and God has been moving in my “doing”…
today I am seeking to “be” …defined by His presence in my life, defined by His work in my heart, defined by His and my time together.

My tears in my car were a response to how wonderful it felt to simply be with Jesus. I have been experiencing joy in conversations with people about how they are doing and been experiencing joy as I prepare for ministry currently unburdened by anxiety that I won’t be good enough. My prayer is that this freedom may continue tomorrow…and that I may be a sharer of this freedom…that my descriptors would be rooted in His definition of me as HIS.

{chosen, jesus follower, lover, servant, freedom bringer, creator, unique, praise filled….hipster, quirky, utterly dependent }

Haiti… November 24, 2009

It’s a little like going home now…

Tomorrow begins trip #5 to Haiti and I am excited to spend time at St. Joe’s Orphanage, at the children’s hospital, the home for the dying and just hang with Gertrude and Leonard.  I am excited to share Haiti with new friends and old friends I haven’t seen in ages.  I am excited to spend this holiday in a country that is filled with people who I am so thankful for.

My Godson and his family have been creating thankful leaves throughout november and they’ve been filled with adorable childlike things like light sabers, mom, hulk costumes, and other sweet day to day gifts.  My thankful list usually includes sweatpants, diet mountain dew, movie room at the gym, my cell phone and awesome cell phone plan that lets me stay connected to most everyone (except those living in Pakistan…must work on international phone call abilities!!) , for my comfortable bed, the opportunity to live in a house where i can cozy up with a book or movie and trust the electricity will work.  And then there is the invisible stuff: I am thankful for friends who tear up when they try to tell you why you mean so much to them, a job that challenges and blesses me richly, for the blessing of getting to pray for my friends, for a family who listens, encourages, and visits, for experiences that remind me that stuff and things aren’t the most important but loving and serving people is what really matters. Thank you Noah and Caleb for a reminder to be thankful for the little and big things in life.  Thank you God for blessing me with Haiti…with the feeling of being useful, for the reality check and reconnect with you that happens when I am there, for the friendships that form through loving people, and the kick in the pants to trust God and live a bigger, more courageous life.

Re-set… March 20, 2009

Today I was meeting with some friends and we started talking about how God has been moving in our lives. I was struck by how up and down I have been these past few months but how steady God is. God has been speaking to my heart over the past couple of days about my attitude and my lack of trust. I forget to trust in the midst of life stuff and then I feel overwhelmed and get crabby…then eventually I come around to praying again. Yet, time after time, I forget to stop and pray in the midst of my life stuff that overwhelms me. I start with trying to fix it myself.
verse from my bible reading today:
Colossians 3:2 “Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things.”
May God help keep my mind on Him…so I don’t continue to fall in this cycle.

Release February 26, 2009

Tonight at church we had Cardboard Testimonies.  I’ve been thinking about what I would write on my piece of cardboard for quite some time and yesterday I wrote down a phrase but it still didn’t quite seem to fit. This afternoon I used a different piece of cardboard and wrote: Selfish & on autopilot….more awake and inspired to love God’s kids.

I’ve been wrestling with this whole concept of being on autopilot…sleeping through life…choosing the easy path.

My housemate shared with me yesterday why she thinks TV is such an easy choice for her…it’s because it does the choosing.  The time of the shows is set, the next show is already there, it is always ready to entertain you and you don’t have to work to make it happen.  I think there are many things in my life that are like this and they all suck me in.

I go through phases of being in autopilot unfortunately rarely do I know that I am in autopilot until I’ve been released from it:
I know I am not in autopilot…
when I am inspired by something….
when I am creating something…
when I am engaged in something bigger than me…
when I have goals I’m working towards…
when I am not consumed by things that mean nothing  and fade away(going a little Ecclesiastical or Thoreau-ian on ya)

God has done it before in me…Jesus’ extravagant grace has released me from autopilot…and I am asking Him to do it again.

inward… February 23, 2009

I feel like I am on the brink of something…
but that I don’t leave room for the discovery.

I grow consumed by approval and what people think…
even when I have tried very hard to think through something for myself and intentionally not for what others will think. I feel good…then someone adds their wisdom and I feel like an idiot again.

I want to release the burden of explaining myself or feeling like I have to…

I want Jesus’ voice to be the only voice of assurance that I long for and to be satisfied when I hear it…

I want to stop feeling the need to always be improving…

yet…

Stop talking so others can be heard
Stop running and breathe
Stop wasting time in avoidance and show up
Be intentional
Be undivided

these voices keep coming reminding me how flawed and broken I am…all intended to encourage and build up…yet my heart is heavy as they cut through what I thought had been revealed to my heart.

They cause me to doubt what Jesus and I have been talking about…I begin to second guess if I really hear God or just what I want to hear…

I am looking forward to this season…I am thankful for the freedom to admit my failures and flaws and pursue God’s heart…I pray that our methods of surrender and pursuit will be healing to our souls and that we will see ourselves grow more into the likeness of Jesus.

consumed January 27, 2009

I have been feeling strange since I returned from Haiti this time.  I feel like my mind is consumed and that I am floating.
The sensation resembles that of crush mode (the phenomenon that happens to me when I can’t really stop thinking about a person and then proceed to have a relationship with said person inside my head…thus setting myself up for a crash when said person doesn’t show signs of having a similar mental relationship with me…although sometimes I can pull back from my crazy and just start to dwell on all the things that drive me crazy about said person….real or imagined) (does this make me nuts?)…well back to what I was saying….

The sensation resembles crush mode except there isn’t a boy…my brain is consumed with lots of things….Don’s comments in Blue like Jazz about accepting grace and what love looks like, Jason’s comments from this weekend’s retreat about being willing to take risks, the book of Romans and Colossians and how Paul’s voice all of a sudden sounds so tender to me compared to how I’ve read it in the past, about what my life is headed towards in the current path I am on, about how much I love loud music, and my recent discovery of how cool action movies are.

I can’t really explain the floating thing except to say I keep having these moments of thinking about myself outside my self.  What do my actions say about me, what do my life patterns reflect to the world about who I am and what I stand for….I feel like Hiro  in Heroes when he can slow time down and look around and see the people around him move slowly as he moves at normal speed. Although I feel like I am moving at a slower pace while the world around me flashes by. I’m in slow mo.

Not sure what it all means right now…but I am eager to see what God is doing in this moment of restlessness.

clean January 11, 2009

clean clothes
cleaned closets
cleaned dresser drawers
clean sheets

my room isn’t all the way straightened, but I’ve purged 3 bags worth of clothing from my closets and drawers, packed for Haiti, started packing for snow riot, organized my closets, and my room is beginning to feel sane again.

Today has been good for my soul…cleaning (who would have thunk?), packing, an hour on the treadmill, some solo shopping at Target, chips and salsa with my friends Ted, Barney, Robin, Lilly, and Marshall…then a little Heroes to disrupt my sleep tonight. oye

Haiti count down: 4 days till departure.
Anyone want to go in with me on buying toothbrushes and toothpaste for the kids?

the list January 7, 2009

i’ve started listing this week…this is a typical behavior for me around january each year and especially when I have a short time to accomplish lots of things.
I leave for Haiti in one week and there are lots of things to sort out before then…Foundations, Powerhouse, packing, Haiti Mission Project mailings, etc. So the lists began Sunday and since then I have had a strange sense of panic residing inside my chest. Usually the list gives me a sense of pride and accomplishment as I check things off…this week however the checking off of completed items only brings a brief flash of joy and then back to feeling weighed down and anxious.
I’m trying to name what exactly seems so daunting that is lurking inside my list…but I can’t find it yet.

so while I’ve been fighting this anxiety I have successfully managed 7 days of eating at least one vegetable each day…and I wrote a note to a friend this week…so the new year’s goals are going well! (so far)

I revisited my goals for year 27 and I am doing very well…I’ve visited more than 3 National parks and seen some pretty great shows/concerts each month so far…I’ve even played speed scrabble a couple of times. So cheers to the 27th year of Lindsey list! A list that has brought great joy instead of trepidation.

hi, my name is lindsey… January 6, 2009

and i am addicted to television.
right now my best friend’s names are Ted Mosby, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, Claire Bennet (so far only seasons 1-2), Justin Walker, Jim Halpert and Addison Montgomery.
Seriously…a little ridiculous…
I am ashamed to share the number of hours I’ve watched TV over the past week…and for the record I didn’t watch any TV on Wednesday or Monday…

high fives to those who can name the shows!

Back in the swing…or should i say sled… January 6, 2009

Getting back into the routine of life is always a little difficult for me…I like the change from routine to holiday and back to routine, which leads to counting down the days till a holiday or trip (HAITI is 10 days away!!!), then back to routine…this rhythm keeps life interesting.
I thrived in the school rhythm…1st semester then a month off…2nd semester then summer. It created a stopping point and a starting point for me.

Adulthood seems to have far fewer defined starting and stopping points…but this year I had a very defined Christmas break. I was able to spend a few days in Texas with the family then a few days in ABQ/Denver with friends. It was much longed for and very timely. Those days away from my normal life gave me a feeling of ending last year and beginning this year.

When I came back to the frozen tundra I found myself looking forward to seeing people I hadn’t seen in a few weeks…I had missed my “normal” life and the “normal” things I do and people I see. One co-worker said to me “I’ve missed this” after a conversation filled with razzing and good banter. I was only gone a few days…but the break gave me a chance to balance out…to start fresh.

So while my transition back into my office today was a little slow on the uptake, it is nice to come back refreshed…re-energized…and ready to do “normal” until my next hiatus (did I mention I go to Haiti in 10 days?) .

Hope your transitions out of the holiday sugar high and into the routine of “normal” are going smoothly!