I had a pretty normal thing happen in my world on Saturday but it has proven to be rather defining. I had this afternoon/evening of just being awkward. It started with breaking my ipod, then rushing around for a church thing, then meeting up with a new friend…and for whatever reason I couldn’t break through my funk. I was just awkward.
Now, please know I realize that being awkward isn’t anything new for me…but saturday I was in true form. Couldn’t form intelligent questions, transparent at moments where a filter definitely should have been used, inept at describing my views, and unable to make a decision…which all was compounded by hanging out with a person who I am still just getting to know…so all this awkwardness that is me was compounded by my internal desire to make sure I say the right thing, make sure they are comfortable, double guess my first inclination to be sarcastic or make fun of something, and overall just try too hard.
See, if you are already one of my people…you’ve endured “awkward, try-too-hard” Lindsey and gotten to the other side where “fabulous, still-odd-but-endearingly-quirky” Lindsey shines shines through. You’ve hopefully forgotten the first conversation we had…where i probably talked over you…stumbled over my words..busted out the stutter…overshared about how I was a band nerd…and probably made you very uncomfortable. You pressed through and entered the realm of friends, where hopefully I only make you uncomfortable on an occasional basis.
But the terrific thing about having this particular saturday experience is that I was able to debrief my chaos with some amazing people who reminded me that if I have friends who are this INCREDIBLE that I can’t be a loser. These fabulous women and men have made it through awkward Lindsey and chosen to love me in the reality of who I am…and this is nothing compared to the bigger story of Jesus’ love for me.
how quickly I forget…i start to sink into the quicksand of self-doubt, self defeating thoughts, and beat myself up for my lack of smooth or interpersonal skill, i dwell on my internal “sit on my sandwich, walk through the store with toilet paper stuck to my shoes, drop my groceries in the busy parking lot, wearing two different colored socks” self…and in that place I am sure to be awkward, try too hard, and present a very different Lindsey than I really am.
But alleluia…Sunday came! Sunday was an amazing day of restoration to my soul. These fabulous friends of mine shared with me their incredible awkward moment stories and encouraged me to chalk this experience up to a story worthy of sharing!
praise Jesus that Sunday comes after Saturday! 🙂