I have been feeling strange since I returned from Haiti this time. I feel like my mind is consumed and that I am floating.
The sensation resembles that of crush mode (the phenomenon that happens to me when I can’t really stop thinking about a person and then proceed to have a relationship with said person inside my head…thus setting myself up for a crash when said person doesn’t show signs of having a similar mental relationship with me…although sometimes I can pull back from my crazy and just start to dwell on all the things that drive me crazy about said person….real or imagined) (does this make me nuts?)…well back to what I was saying….
The sensation resembles crush mode except there isn’t a boy…my brain is consumed with lots of things….Don’s comments in Blue like Jazz about accepting grace and what love looks like, Jason’s comments from this weekend’s retreat about being willing to take risks, the book of Romans and Colossians and how Paul’s voice all of a sudden sounds so tender to me compared to how I’ve read it in the past, about what my life is headed towards in the current path I am on, about how much I love loud music, and my recent discovery of how cool action movies are.
I can’t really explain the floating thing except to say I keep having these moments of thinking about myself outside my self. What do my actions say about me, what do my life patterns reflect to the world about who I am and what I stand for….I feel like Hiro in Heroes when he can slow time down and look around and see the people around him move slowly as he moves at normal speed. Although I feel like I am moving at a slower pace while the world around me flashes by. I’m in slow mo.
Not sure what it all means right now…but I am eager to see what God is doing in this moment of restlessness.