Life in this moment…

{entertaining, odd, and hopefully not too far away from reality}

defined… September 22, 2010

Filed under: awakenings,everyday life,the altar — Lindsey @ 1:00 am

It was a great weekend.
Sunshiney, full, outdoorsy, Jesus exposing, relational, inspiring, creative, and delightful.

I didn’t realize how wonderful the weekend was until I was driving to class on monday and tears of joy were slipping down my cheeks  in my car as I was thanking Jesus for what he’d been doing in my heart.
——-
I re-read “Running on Empty” by Fil Anderson on Sunday night and was inspired by the transparency he shared with me as his reader. It was healing to read of one believer’s walk with the Lord and his willingness to confess his need to find quiet, encouragement, forgiveness, and balance.
——
I’ve been feeling pretty good about life these past few months…I’ve been trying to be healthy, intentional about spending time in the Word, persistent in setting up fun plans with fun people, and have had many fun nights of being creative. It has been so good. Then the beginning of September hit and I was anxious, tight, still doing all of the above but filled with doubts about whether I was ready enough for the things coming the next day/week/month, overwhelmed by my need to be fully prepared and un-criticizable. This was where God used Fil to convict my heart.

He asked me “who defines you?…where do you find your worth?”

I like to think I am beyond definition…that I can’t be pinned down by words or labels. I ideally want to stay outside the box…hipster, independent, creative, quirky…but these are definitions. {and we know that in all honesty I am as predictable as they come, a serious creature of habit and tradition} And for the most part these adjectives are rooted in my comparison with others, they reveal my inner desire to be found worthy in how i dress, by what i do, by what i create, and by what i can accomplish…instead of by my creator/savior/protector/definer…Jesus.

I was “doing” great these past few months and God has been moving in my “doing”…
today I am seeking to “be” …defined by His presence in my life, defined by His work in my heart, defined by His and my time together.

My tears in my car were a response to how wonderful it felt to simply be with Jesus. I have been experiencing joy in conversations with people about how they are doing and been experiencing joy as I prepare for ministry currently unburdened by anxiety that I won’t be good enough. My prayer is that this freedom may continue tomorrow…and that I may be a sharer of this freedom…that my descriptors would be rooted in His definition of me as HIS.

{chosen, jesus follower, lover, servant, freedom bringer, creator, unique, praise filled….hipster, quirky, utterly dependent 🙂 }

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consumed January 27, 2009

Filed under: awakenings — Lindsey @ 12:39 am

I have been feeling strange since I returned from Haiti this time.  I feel like my mind is consumed and that I am floating.
The sensation resembles that of crush mode (the phenomenon that happens to me when I can’t really stop thinking about a person and then proceed to have a relationship with said person inside my head…thus setting myself up for a crash when said person doesn’t show signs of having a similar mental relationship with me…although sometimes I can pull back from my crazy and just start to dwell on all the things that drive me crazy about said person….real or imagined) (does this make me nuts?)…well back to what I was saying….

The sensation resembles crush mode except there isn’t a boy…my brain is consumed with lots of things….Don’s comments in Blue like Jazz about accepting grace and what love looks like, Jason’s comments from this weekend’s retreat about being willing to take risks, the book of Romans and Colossians and how Paul’s voice all of a sudden sounds so tender to me compared to how I’ve read it in the past, about what my life is headed towards in the current path I am on, about how much I love loud music, and my recent discovery of how cool action movies are.

I can’t really explain the floating thing except to say I keep having these moments of thinking about myself outside my self.  What do my actions say about me, what do my life patterns reflect to the world about who I am and what I stand for….I feel like Hiro  in Heroes when he can slow time down and look around and see the people around him move slowly as he moves at normal speed. Although I feel like I am moving at a slower pace while the world around me flashes by. I’m in slow mo.

Not sure what it all means right now…but I am eager to see what God is doing in this moment of restlessness.

 

Haiti April 10, 2008

Filed under: awakenings,everyday life — Lindsey @ 10:29 pm

so, many of you know that i was supposed to be heading to Haiti on Saturday…a country that I love with people who bless me richly. I was going to get to meet my compassion kid and reconnect with friends and serve alongside my dad.

this past week there has been quite a bit of turmoil throughout the country of Haiti…people have been rioting, tires burning, the UN trying to settle things with teargas and rubber bullets. The country of Haiti is one that has been plagued with poor government and leadership since it was colonized…it’s land is stripped, it’s people have been oppressed, and corruption has run rampant through the years. Today, Haitians struggle to make ends meet and now with the increase in food costs (like everywhere else in the world) they struggle to feed themselves and their children. The riots started earlier this week in Les Cayes and moved in towards Port au Prince on Tuesday. While many are hungry it didn’t seem to be the hungry folk who were the most violent or aggressive, but rather those who are dissatisfied with the current government.

our decision to not go to Haiti was a difficult one. we love these people…we are scared because they are scared, we cry because their lives are hard, we long to see peace…provision…reform in the midst of these amazing people.

my soul has ached for the past few days as we’ve watched the news come from Haiti…some for myself as i grew to realize that we weren’t going to meet God in Haiti next week, some for my dad as I realized he wouldn’t get to experience the beauty of Haiti and her people, but mostly because once again i’m here…safe while they are there in a place where it is easy to feel abandoned, easy to be hungry, and easy to feel powerless. but what is true today like it was last week before everything started…is that God is good, He has defeated death…defeated the devil…and defeated despair. I know that my friends in Haiti know my King and I am confident in this that He will give them peace, and I pray He will fill their moments of fear.

I have seen 2 incredible things happen as a result of these riots…one, I have been able to share my heart for haiti to over 300 people over the past 4 days…that is more than i have shared haiti with over the past year. two, i’ve witnessed a miracle as the riots calmed down today. Tuesday and Wednesday the riots in Haiti were intense and escalating, then a poor address by president Preval left many Haitians dissatisfied…but when I woke up this morning and rushed to check the news I was baffled to see that the streets were empty, tap taps were running, kids were outside and people returned to the marketplaces. friends, this is a miracle and a testament to God’s provision for the country He loves.

here are a couple of other folks to check out as they blog about their love for Haiti and the current situations there.

Andy

Livesays

 

here’s a little inspiration for you… August 27, 2007

Filed under: awakenings — Lindsey @ 1:44 am

Phenomenal Woman

by Maya Angelou

 

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I’m telling lies.

I say,

It’s in the reach of my arms,

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

 

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It’s the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

 

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can’t touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them,

They say they still can’t see.

I say,

It’s in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

 

Now you understand

Just why my head’s not bowed.

I don’t shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing,

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It’s in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

the palm of my hand,

The need for my care.

’Cause I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

 

 

thanks Rachel…

 

stirred… July 20, 2007

Filed under: awakenings — Lindsey @ 11:41 pm

July is nearly over and my month of youth tripping is coming to a close. I spent the past week in the Quad cities (a place I love and fall more in love with each time I visit…) with junior high students…experiencing change that only God can do…learning to love in ways we didn’t think we could…and discovering that we are loved by Jesus.

It was a good week for me…and until tonight I didn’t realize how much God had cracked open my heart. I spent a week seeking God each day for the courage and strength to simply live as a servant…to not be self seeking…to speak kind things…to walk the walk everywhere I went–showers, light’s out, holding a paintbrush…He answered. I grew in my understanding of serving, of loving, of being loved. When I arrived home I had a bit of withdrawal–all of my friends were busy and I had little time to share all that was on my heart and I ached for the community that had been created on this trip. I had one of those teared up, singing at the top of my cracky cold-given “i could have been a smoker” voice, pouring out my heart to Jesus moments in the car…quite possibly scaring the people driving next to me…but all the while being amazed at the God who walks with me when I feel alone, the God who gives passions and compassion, the God who never gives up on our hardened hearts and who cracks us open just in time for us to experience something amazing…like holding a beautiful baby in a park, watching a youth lead who once would hardly talk, getting to talk about boys in a car with no inhibitions and being able to be completely honest with each other…God is good. goodnight all.

 

May 31, 2007

Filed under: awakenings — Lindsey @ 2:25 pm

There is a homeless guy who pan handles on the corner of Dowling and the exit ramp off of 94. I see him regularly as I drive to Dani’s house. It was about a year ago that I began bringing food or small bills to give to him when I was making a trek across the cities to Danielle’s house and last New Year’s Rachel and I deepened this relationship by bringing soup, coffee, snacks, and blankets to this man and his friends as they stood out in the cold. But it wasn’t until after I heard an Upper Room sermon about Stefan and his heart for the homeless that I realized that I didn’t even know the man’s name who I had been bringing food to and praying for. So about 2 months ago as I handed him a bottle of water and a little cash I asked him his name. He replied after a surprised pause, “Michael”. Then proceeded to ask me my name. A week or so later I was driving by and handed him an apple and apologized for not having any cash that day and he said ” no problem, Lindsey”….I was amazed that he remembered my name…a few weeks later I was driving out to Dani’s house with my mom on the way to the Baptism and I realized halfway there that in the confusion of getting all the stuff ready for the baptism I hadn’t remembered to pack anything for Michael or his friends who work that corner. As we arrived on the corner we handed him a small rice crispy square (the best food on earth) and a warm can of 7up and $5 with a warm “Sorry it isn’t much today Michael”…his reply “thanks Lindsey”.

I pray for Michael and his friends…that when I arrive on that corner with something to hand them that they won’t be there because they’ve found a place to stay and a job that gives them a sense of pride…I hand them food that I have laying around my great apartment, but rarely do I approach the corner ready to ask Michael what he’d like…this week I wanted to change that…I wanted to really show them love by not doing what was easy for me or what made me feel like I was helping…but instead give them the opportunity to share what they need and want.

yesterday i was driving by prepared to tell Michael to hop in the car and I’d let him pick the place he wanted to eat dinner…ask him what I could really do for him… But as I approached the corner…he wasn’t there. I drove around the block to the place his friends gather but there wasn’t anyone there. I hope that his absence was because the prayers for him and his friends were answered and i hope that my change of heart doesn’t fade…I want to be a person who’s first instinct is to listen and respond in love not just do what I think is love.

 

the earth says ahhh May 17, 2007

Filed under: awakenings — Lindsey @ 2:30 pm

Today is the 2nd day this week that I have decided to bike everywhere instead of using my car. I am proud to say that I have developed bike booty that allows me to ride for 3-5 miles with out wanting to cry a little every time I pedal.

So I have a weekly goal to go car-less 2 days a week. It’s cheaper…and I’m getting hotter by the mile! 🙂